Hello December;

Hello December, glad to see you again.

And hello new blog. Newish anyway.

Hazearella is 10 years old, and as I near 40 I’m realizing a lot of things. One is that crying the day before my 30th birthday was dumb (my mom was right, 30 was nothing to cry about) and that within the last 10 years I feel like I’ve lived a million different lifetimes.

Where I did not plan on ever having kids. Where I hated every aspect of being married but I was rather fond of who I was married to… for awhile. Where I lived a whimsical what I thought was a fairy tale life in Orlando and working my dream job at Disney. Where things were not what they all seemed and I tried to make them look how I wanted it to be. Until it all blew up in my face. Which happens, that’s life.

The last 10 years have been a shit show of things I had never in my wildest dreams ever expected to happen. All the good, along with all the fucked up shit and everything else that filled in the gaps of time — all of it, has been a shit show.

And one hell of a mothafuckin adventure, that’s for sure.

The last year in itself has been one Hell of a shit show. It’s brought things to my attention that I would rather had not ever considered. But part of being self aware is ultimately being aware. Period. It’s a bless and a curse, though if you ask me, it’s just a curse. How I wish I could be blissfully ignorant most of the time.

I lost the Hazearella Instagram account. Years of hard work, time, brand collabs, blogger networking… all gone. And while I do mourn it every single day, I also don’t. I deleted it because a former friend (and it always happens this way) ruined it for me. I’m heavily driven by my emotions, can’t help it. I’ve spent the last few months debating on what to do about it. I’ve taken it as a sign from the universe that Hazearella needed a revamp. I’m not who I was when I started that account, I’m nothing like who I was. I’m not who I was a year ago; I just had my 2nd miscarriage of the year a few days ago. My 6th pregnancy. My 4th miscarriage all together. I’m not even who I was a week ago.

So this is my new start. My revamp.

Grab a snack, a blunt, some Xanax and join me!